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23 February 2018 @ 11:42 pm

I have not been keeping up with this blog like I said I would, and I'm not sure why.  I love to write, and about mostly anything but lately my life has been a circus and I find it to be overwhelming.  Allow me to fill you in on what's been happening.

My mother and I are not on speaking terms, and that hurts but I'm coming to grips with it and seems to be getting easier now; or more difficult, just depends on the day and what kinds of clusterfuckery is involved.  

I'm very close with my sister, Hannah.  Despite her being a whopping 16 years younger than me, we have a lot in common.  Also, as we both get older the age difference doesn't seem to matter considering we each to adult shit so we know what's up with our issues and how to be there for one another in times we need some support.  

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10 February 2018 @ 03:30 pm
A few days ago, I fell into a deep depression. There seemed to be no progression, as it suddenly hit me out of nowhere. Ironically, it's terrifying now that at the time I had no fears. In the moment I didn't want to be here anymore, and I was tired of both feeling and being numb all at once. I felt sick and tired of other people's bullshit but more so my own. I was both bored and unsettled with the person I felt I was.
If you're unfamiliar with how depression works, I think I can sum it up in a way most can understand.
Usually, it begins with something that either happens or a thought, neither of which aren't a major issue or complication. Then, before you know it, that one thing gradually snowballs into something major; you begin thinking of everything from your past that has not worked out, ways you wish your life were better and mostly what you DON'T have right now. Now it's reached a point in your mind where you feel unappreciated, unwanted, and irrelevant. And there you are, and it's the most difficult thing to come out of.
So back to the other day, and I was feeling all of that. Then I hear a knock on my door, and it was a friend, (who I also have a past romantic history with) who showed up out of nowhere. It wasn't a normal thing for him to show up unannounced but he said he just felt worried about me and was checking on me. Wow. I didn't realize until after how much I needed that. The second he came in and saw I was upset, he sat down beside me and began listing all the ways in which he feels I AM valued, and important, and relevant in life. He said exactly what I absolutely needed to hear and I suppose the point to this story is that clearly there is something bigger than all of us that has our back. Not saying it's the bearded guy in the sky, or the like. But it's definitely something. That was no coincidence. It wasn't as if my friend stops by my house on a regular basis, or even once a month. He never shows up unannounced and for him to not only show up, but also for the reason that he was worried and instantly gave me a pep talk to help clear my mind, well, it says something.
With all of the untimely deaths of loved ones, and people we care about falling victim to cancer and just terrible things that happen in general, I personally find it easy to lose my faith. Then one day, with my feelings and thoughts only to be categorized as suicidal, a friend shows up and unintentionally, but very effectively, gives me something to believe in once again.
02 February 2018 @ 04:35 pm
If I had to describe myself using only two words, I’d say ‘unpredictably predictable’. I have scattered to-do lists laying around with each having just half of the items crossed off. I am true to the definition of spontaneity; I can do the last minute type of trips much more effectively rather than planned out. I always feel as though I am ready for anything, and that I can handle whatever comes my way.
There is just one exception to that last statement, and that is when I find out someone I know has cancer. Today I sent some pics from my trip to Vegas last weekend to my friend who I haven’t spoken to in months. His reply was he liked them and then I called him “stranger” then asked where the hell he has been, and that I miss him. Then I asked him how his CT scan went, because that was the last thing we had spoken about in November. That’s when he told me the news. Cancer in his throat, voice box and tongue. He’s very optimistic and says he will beat it. He’s a strong dude, and he will. I can’t even finish this blog, as a dark sadness is filling my head and heart. If I continue explaining my feelings on this, I may very well fall into a deep depression. It’s easy to do. Domino effect and such...I’m hoping to begin another blog soon and catch you up on what’s been happening in my life, as of lately.
To those reading and keep up with this blog, hit me up. Say hi. Even if we aren’t on the best of terms. Life is short.
I feel so much when it comes to my friends. I take dealings with friends far more seriously than relationship stuff.
I hope everyone is well.
My heart hurts. 😢
14 January 2018 @ 10:13 pm
I've never been the type to get sex confused with emotions. A LOT of women do though, and I think I know one of the reasons why.

When growing up, most of us had "the talk" with at least one of our parents, (definitely friends) when questioning sex, and what exactly that meant. If you're a guy, your dad probably told you a more textbook definition, i.e., what goes where, etc. My guess is if you're a girl, your mom said something along the lines of "When a man and a woman are IN LOVE...," and so forth, which leads me to believe that many women were hard-wired to think from an early age that sex somehow equals love. It was branded on our brains, and no one told us any different...except for guys.

I never really bought into the hype. It never made any sense to me, even when I was younger, how a physical act could possibly translate to something meaningful that you experience with emotions. Maybe if we all thought that way in terms of sex and love and the two having extremely opposite meanings, the world would be a little less of a confusing place.

That's just my guess though. Even if we all did think that way, I have to admit that "bitches be crazy" anyway so nothing would probably ever really change. Oh well, I gave it a shot.
13 January 2018 @ 04:53 pm
"Remember the person as they were when they were alive, not the way they were when they died and you'll be much better off." Joe Kenda (from ID TV show: Homicide Hunter)

Upon discovering someone you know has recently passed away, the first thought that crosses your mind is the last interaction you had with them. I think that's normal for everyone.

More and more often, I find the last moment with people who have died is not the best memory to have left them with. That is both troublesome due to the guilt, and devastating to know I won't ever have the opportunity to make things right. That's not to say the last encounter and the issues surrounding the situation were all my fault, or that I was just a bitch for no reason.

I am a nice person, with a great big heart. I feel compassion for others and my level of empathy when others are grieving is overwhelming to the point I put myself in their place and feel their pain; their sadness, and their fears. I cry with others when going through a traumatic experience or a generally tough time in their lives. They can be friends, family and strangers alike, I have always imagined myself in their place when faced with a battle. I would prefer to love people than to fight with them, or most commonly known to be a "lover, not a fighter."

With that being said, I do nothing in life which is unprovoked. I don't go around picking fights with people nor do I enjoy a unhealthy disagreement. However, if pushed, I turn into a pretty hateful and aggressive asshole.

There's an old saying: "Don't start shit, there won't be shit", or very simply, don't fuck with me, and I won't fuck with you. It's not a difficult premise to live your life by, but some people just cannot help themselves.

I do realize that I don't always HAVE to react, and that I am supposed to be able to "choose how I react" to the situation. Unfortunately, I wasn't built that way and my mind most certainly does NOT process that as a viable option. I believe 100% that if you let things go to easily after people have fucked you over, then at that point you have resigned to the fact that you no longer have control. A massive and easily identifiable target is placed on you for others to walk all over in the same way the last person did when you did nothing about it. So people can say all day to just "walk away, let karma deal with them" and/or "don't you worry, in time they'll get theirs" but what do you do in the meantime while waiting for the elusive karma to make its presence known? I'll tell you what happens in that time; you gradually are seen as weak and simple minded and there won't be a person around who can respect you because you allow people to treat you like shit and behave in ways that are truly contemptible. Then what? Even if and when they get their eventual payback, it won't gain that respect back from others and that's a fact, Jack.

When I feel disrespected and/or screwed over, I go off. I say things I don't mean, and I say things I do mean but are harsh and difficult to hear. At that point all bets are off. I find things you're sensitive about and say what I can and feel justified doing so because you treated me like shit when you know it wasn't necessary.

I am by no means saying that every argument or blow out with someone means they always started shit with me. Everyone has bad days, and I have them too. I usually can distinguish what I should take personal from intentional disrespect. We are all human and make mistakes, but the important thing is how we handle it afterwards.

When I recognize that I was unfairly taking my bad day out on someone, I will most definitely reach out and try to mend the bridge that was broken by my bad behavior. Sometimes it's right away and other times it takes a while, but it does happen. Even when I know the fault isn't mine, in some cases I will extend that olive branch anyway to repair a friendship, if it's worth it to me.

The problem with it taking a while sometimes for me to reach out is that time has run out and that person isn't around anymore. And that sucks.

I should handle things differently, and I know I can do the right thing and fix some relationships that weren't left in the most appropriate way. When people die, it's a ugly reality to know that there's no "takesies backsies" and that angry, rage-fueled last moment you shared with that person is exactly the angry, rage-fueled moment they were left with and that's just not cool.

Everyone would feel better with a healthy, regret-free conscience. I think it would do us all some good to make things right with people you once cared for but are no longer a part of your life. Or we could just treat people better and really take some time to think before saying nasty things. Always stand your ground, don't take any shit, but don't throw out more shit back than you need to, because you won't always have the time to make amends. I know all about it, and it's not easy to get past once it's over.

The quote at the beginning of this entry is most helpful. It is easier to deal with death when instead of dwelling on the finality of it alone, you remember the way they were and the good times you had with them while they were alive. You can't go back and change the past but you definitely can correct things within yourself and learn from all the bad. Let the last memory of you always be a good one.
Annoying things people do on Facebook that I've been guilty of:

1. Posting my drama, then getting mad and telling people to mind their own business. What a clusterfuck of hypocrisy.

2. Putting a Snapchat filter on almost all and especially profile pics, considering Snapchat filters make us all look extremely different than our normal selves. It's a gross misrepresentation of what we really look like. Trap city.

3. Posted what I was eating for dinner, as if anyone gives a fuck about that kind of shit.

4. While during a football game, constantly posting status updates of everything happening during said game. We get it, you're watching the game. No need for crappy updates polluting my news feed especially when I'm watching the very same game.

5. Automatically friending people I've never even heard of. Most of those unknowns are actually well known just trying to troll your profile but I didn't get it at the time. Nice stalkin to ya.

6. Putting stuff on my status update that wasn't particularly smart. Things that could've very well caused major legal trouble, either at that time or in the future. We all know, or should know, that deleting a post doesn't make it magically disappear. Once posted, despite how quickly deleted, is forever there on the internet, thanks to footprints and screenshots.

7. Being angry and in the moment posting things I didn't mean, refer to #6.

8. Posting "you HAAAAVE to watch this" type videos. Dude, nobody is interested in what YOU consider to be funny. 9 out of 10 times no one finds it as funny and neither do you a few weeks later.

9. While in school, constantly posting shit about classes, just to make sure everyone knows you're in school. We get it, you're getting your education on. No need to prove yourself to Facebook while doing it though. Seems like serious attention whoring, despite your intention. Nobody gives a shit that your homework is a bitch, because that's what it's always been.

10. Being consistently negative. It causes a domino effect, and there's no need to bring everyone else down with you. Try a positive post once in a while and see what happens. I guarantee the effects will be better with a way more pleasant outcome if you just stop the seemingly never ending bullshit.
10 October 2017 @ 06:06 pm
I nearly had a freaking aneurysm while reading some hysterical classified ads. I had an idea for the next blog, and that was going to be "Commonly used words/phrases found in personal ads" I thought it might be funny to see just how generic and carbon copy-ish people can be when trying to find "the one".
Instead of finding what I was looking for, I got distracted by the "hookup" ads, which displayed on one web page the first line/"hook" of their want-ad. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.
What I type in quotations below are VERBATIM what the subject line/first line said. I am not making any of this up, and I'm not adding or taking away anything inside the quotes. So buckle up, you're in for quite a psychotic and weird ride.

"Seeking handsome Ethiopian in 30's and must live in Atlanta" -- Too bad for all you unfortunate-looking twenty or forty-something Ethiopian's living on the West Coast; you're not what she's into at ALL.

"EAT. YUMMY. - The title says it all, ladies" -- Um, actually it doesn't say a fucking thing, brainiac. 2 words. Two. words. No. sense. What a jackass.

"I'm a man who's looking for lonely women" -- Anyone else's murder-meter going off?

"Horny and looking to do some webcam shows tonight. Anyone want to watch? Totally naked & take requests. Most anything goes." Mostanything? Exactly where is your line if anyone in the world can watch you online, "totally naked" dear? And I'm a little unclear on whether she's saying she will take requests or just happens to be a pretty dominant person. I'm guessing this one isn't free.

"I'm just bored, looking for the sweet and honest guy" THE sweet and honest guy, like there's just one? Ah, well she's probably not that far off. ;)

"I love to txt & live in the country." Okay, now she's just asking to get murdered. "I have a dog & always up for a good time" A good English teacher could have prevented the underlying/overlapping bestiality tone in this one, but I think it's too late. This one's just gone--brain dead.

"You must be ddf and a non-smoker" Hey! She has standards!! "Be very clean" Ummmmm...okay, so my word is good then, yeah? Score! Wow. Just, wow....

The very best part of this webpage (yes, this all came from just one page, no scrolling required) was the box to the right which read: "Related Searches: Catholic Singles, Plentyoffish" Oh, the irony.
25 September 2017 @ 02:37 pm
I find I to be a wild and crazy thing that I questioned for so long how I was attracting such negative people and general negativity in my life and I figured it out. It was my mindset.
I found some quotes online that reinforced this, and I'll post these now. They keep me going on the right track and help me realize some things at the same time.
**Fuck being nice to everyone. If someone treats you badly, you have every right not to tolerate bullshit.
**Stop stressing over shitty people.
**I don't treat people badly. I treat them accordingly.
**Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family.
**Ironically, people tend to change their attitude towards you when you begin treating them the way they treat you.
**Some people out there will use all kinds of unscrupulous tactics to get what they want, even if it's wrong, as long as it fits their agenda.
**You ever notice people would rather stop speaking to you instead of apologizing when they're wrong?
**It is the bad people who need the principles to restrain them.
**You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to see in you.
**Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don't be afraid to shove that box up their ass.
**The demands that good people make are upon themselves. Those that bad people make are upon others. (Isn't that the truth? Yesssss)
**I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations.
**When someone is nasty or treats you poorly, don't take it personally. It says nothing about you, but a lot about them.
**I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty. And besides, the pig likes it.

LOL--I love these and look at them every day. It keeps things in perspective, and makes me love myself. Love yourself.
23 September 2017 @ 02:23 am
...happy to be going to bed because I'm so ready for some good sleep and also just very happy with life right now.
I had some negative emotions that made some attempts at progression, but I shut those shits down real quick.
Suddenly it hit me like a hurricane. A giant weight feels lifted, and life just feels right again. I choose happiness as do I choose the people I allow to come in my life and those I confidently walk away from. Like that one friend who always brings you down because of her problems with the husband she never can seem to leave even though she spends every second with you, her friend, bitching about it but doing nothing to change the situation. She's a definite strike out. Friends like that aren't really friends, but they see you as just a sounding board and nothing more. I've had to move on recently from several former friends and I've honestly never felt better about myself. I'm back to wanting to write and that means a lot. When I isolate myself especially in the blogosphere, I am usually depressed and have no want to or passion for writing anymore. Today was a changing day for me. I feel like my life has great purpose and the potential for greatness is off the charts and is already set in motion. Hell, I even got a few unexpected and wonderful surprises and I couldn't be more grateful.
I'm back to being a positive & optimistic human being with my mind working right again and my self worth at a point that not even Andre the Giant back in the day would've had a chance to knock it down.
My faith is restored in humanity, as I now feel you get what you give.
I can't wait to see what happens soon...I have so many surprises in store. I am in love with life and part of that life is getting some sleep so that I can tackle my Saturday, albeit around noonish, but do so with a smile on my face and a whole lot of love in my heart.
Sooooo tired, I got so much done today that I'm happily exhausted. Peace out my loves! I will write more for you guys tomorrow and it will entertain and inspire you, so stay tuned. Vv
06 August 2017 @ 04:30 pm
*Log off if you find yourself stalking people’s social media pages or stalking in general. You have entirely too much time on your hands if you’re spending hours digging deep into the web just to see what someone has been up to and who they are hanging out with.
*Log off if all you post are other people’s quotes. If you can’t seem to form an independent thought you may want to take a break from the internet and pick up an actual book. It’s pretty annoying to see my newsfeed filled with shit that has been said a thousand times. Get your own material. Post something new and organic. Try and educate, not waste everyone’s time with generic bullshit.
*Log off if you fill the world in on your personal drama every day. Once in a while, I understand the need to vent. Anyone can easily get angrily distracted and caught up in the moment; just try to remember that posts can be deleted, but a screen shot is forever.
*Log off if anytime you get off the computer/phone/laptop/tablet, your mood is significantly affected in the most negative way. If you get more bad feelings than good, shut it down for a bit and re-group.
*Log off if you think everyone’s cryptic posts are about you. Paranoia sucks, and the internet can make you cray-cray if you’re already part wackadoodle.
*Log off if you post depressing shit about domestic abuse, world hunger, starving and bloodied pets, but are not actively doing anything to help. Re-posting is not helping. Get off the computer and do some actual volunteer work. www.volunteermatch.com is a great resource. They will hook you up with many opportunities to assist in all of these causes you say you care so much about. There are ways to help at your local animal shelter, homeless and women’s shelters, food drives, and much more. So maybe don’t just talk about it, be about it.
01 August 2017 @ 07:15 am
"What a selfish act"
"How could they leave the people they love behind?"
"What kind of person leaves their loved ones in pain?"
"Why would they leave us with no warning?"

Those are the things most people say when they learn of a suicide. Personally, I believe the only selfish thing about it is the people who dare question some type of motive when its all said and done.
Though no one should feel at fault for such a tragic act, everyone needs to keep in mind it is one of desperation and not "selfishness"
Do you actually believe the person in the scenario is thinking of anything that halfway resembles a rational thought? Seemingly, it is emotions that get so dark, so much so that no one understands and certainly feelings are the issues cannot be solved. No one knows what it feels like to be so far down to go through with it. You may have been close, and you may have even had failed attempts, but trust that if your mind is set to do it, there is no such thing as an "attempt"
I realize the level of arrogance I am conveying, but hear me out on this one.
Rarely do people survive a bullet to the head and even more rarely does anyone survive a hanging. Those are the top 2 ways suicide occurs, historically speaking. An overdose, using pills or anything else subconsciously tells you there is a chance you will survive it, despite the amount ingested.
People whose intention is to perish refuse to give anyone any warning. They don't want to be stopped. That is factual, not just my simple opinion. It is debatable, but I wouldn't even try to.
I am personally sick and tired of hearing ignorant people talk shit about how "selfish" someone is that just committed suicide. What a load.
How fucking obnoxious can you possibly be to sit up on your high horse and assume you know and even more so, can feel the pain another human being has been feeling at that point? How can you speak on behalf of a person you've never really known on that level?
I can't speak on behalf of anyone who has dreadfully been in such a spot before where they felt there was no other option except taking their own life, but what I can do is show respect and speak UP for those poor souls lost way too soon. There is a huge difference between speaking FOR someone and speaking UP for them.
I'm not so big in my own mind to assume I know everything, or be confidently aware of how anyone may be feeling, but rest assured, it is no one's place to speak ill of them. I pray none of us still here will ever know that level of pain, despair, depression, or the feeling of being so incapacitated and alone.
We have all been down in the dumps. We have all suffered some form of depression, anxiety, or emotional distress and discomfort. But we aren't really fully aware of it. We don't know because we are still here. We were lucky enough to have weathered whatever storm or crisis that has befallen us. We somehow found some light out of the darkness that temporarily took over.
They didn't.
In just the past few months, the world lost two very talented, successful and influential musicians to this ugly monster, aka suicide.
Chris Cornell, the lead singer for the wildly popular band Soundgarden "Black hole sun, won't you come...and wash away the raaaain, black hole sun, won't you come, won't you cooooooome...". and AudioSlave hung himself, giving no warning and leaving no note behind.
Most recently and just as unfortunately we lost the front man for the internationally known and certifiably successful band Linkin Park, Chester Bennington. "I've become so numb, I can't feel you there; become so tired, so much more aware; By becoming this, all I want to do-is be more like me and be less like you". The album "Hybrid Theory" which came out sometime around 2000 has gotten me through some of the best and very worst times in my life. I still cannot believe that album was released almost 18 years ago. **Side note: Whenever a time period has been 18 years, I always translate that to "that's another full grown human being, baby to adult". I don't know why my brain works that way, but it's very weird like that. Stay tuned, you'll see more of these oddities**.
Chester Bennington was from Arizona, and owns a few Club Tattoo shops in Scottsdale and Las Vegas. When I decided to get my right nostril pierced yet again (3rd time on that side) I did some research to find that shop in particular to have it done. Why? Because I'm obviously a raging lunatic who thinks that the day I go in will somehow be the day Chester would come in to catch up on the latest happenings and thumb through the shop ledgers and such. What am I talking about "ledgers"? As if people use paper anymore. Thanks to great technological advances over the last decade especially, using paper in any office is nearly obsolete. That one got away from me quickly! --
I have issues sticking to the subject when said subject is one that invokes deep sadness within me. Flailing from the initial topic just so happens to be my go-to move when I feel myself regressing.
It's draining and painful, and how I wish It wasn't real. I want to wake up and say to myself "Wow, that was a shitty fucking nightmare" as I stumble out of bed, turn the TV on, flip to some FUSE channel or MTV and see an interview with Linkin Park live, and Chester is saying how stoked he is for this upcoming tour while answering awkward questions on our forbidden but true love...and blahhhhh...
Chester committed suicide in the eerily similar to the manner as Cornell chose, on July 20th, which coincidentally would have been his recently passed buddy's 53rd birthday. Again, no warning and no note.
Both had children, wives, beautiful families who loved and cherished them.
They struggled in ways I can't comprehend and brings me to tears when I try to grasp little ways of even attempting to understand it.
Just goes to show you that money and fame do not buy genuine happiness...and having it all means absolutely nothing if there are demons to be fought inside for every single day of your life.
My point to all of this is, free speech is apparently your right, but please do resist the urge to ever again say anyone who is deceased due to suicide is "selfish".. It's disrespectful and you come off sounding like an insensitive, ignorant piece of shit. Not to mention you're not doing anyone any favors by even opening your mouth at all when others are in such pain and grieving over a loss that they can't make sense of; yet you seem to have all the answers. Riiiight.
The only other thing I am for certain of on this subject is that hurting anyone else in their lives was not their agenda. If that were the case, they would leave suicide notes cursing their family and friends; they would make sure their kids knew that the pain of this was their fault; and for their own good. A "deal with it" note, if you will. See how dumb that sounds?
On a different note but within the issue, if you feel like you may be inching closer to a similar demise yourself, please, please, remember this sentence: THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOU. There is so much more to come, great things you can't possibly see right now. Sure, I know that presently, your life possibly feels a manic disaster and for the most part, has involved some major suckage; it's not fun. I know. You might feel like life has been bad for so long now, that what's the point of sticking around? Well, I'll tell you.
Imagine yourself at Best Buy perusing your favorite section. Metallica comes in to buy that old Warrant cd, the really bad album that came out in the 90's...the one with the song Cherry Pie. And you're there watching it all happen. You don't want to miss that shit, and anything is possible. That will probably happen. I'm pretty sure of it.
Even better, you could be at a bar and Brad Pitt comes in and sits right beside you. It'd be weird like maybe he's dressed in drag with some weird pointy red press on nails, and a long blonde wig, but with the same beard and voice of regular movie star Brad Pitt; he'll order drinks for just the two of you. Cosmopolitans or some shit. You graciously thank him using a grateful tone thinking "thanks brad" is going to cut it, but he insists you call him "Brangelina". You're surprised but agree, then when he gets up to go to the gender neutral bathroom, you quickly post it on your Facebook status. He'll return from the bathroom and it's at the moment he sits down and crosses his hairy legs, you'll realize how badly he needs a full body shave. You'll decide that since now you are bff's, its only right to be honest with him and say that in order to be more feminine and less lumberjackish, he'll need to wax. You find a groupon : wax for 20 bucks. He respectfully declines and insists you wax his entire body while calling him pretty and playing "I've had the time of my life" on a continuous loop. Agreed, you say, then you guys will spend hours talking about what a bitch Angelina Jolie is; how freeing it is for him to finally be who he is and confides in you that Angelina is really a dude and they've lived privately as a reversed roles/parent Trap style for their entire marriage. That's good stuff.
You don't want to miss out on that. Come the fuck on, how great would that be?? Ability to pass up? Impossible.
There will be even better things that come along...think of all the places you have yet to visit, the beautiful cities and countries you have dreamed of going to, and the concerts and sporting events you haven't been able to attend. It's all out there and waiting for you. There's so much to be experienced, there are so many people to observe and talk shit about behind their backs...Songs you'll get to hear live, and when the band plays, you will thank me probably for reminding you it was better to hang out and see what happens rather than end it and not know.
Ignorance is not bliss, people. What's out there to experience and see and get to know IS though.
Take a chance on life. It may have failed you before, but we can get through it together. Don't feel like you're ever too alone to feel. You're not crazy if you're so lonely you don't feel like living....its normal to think it but know that it can be incredible to reach out and get the sense of understanding and support from others that is there. Just look around. I know I'm here for my family, my friends, strangers, neighbors, but I'm here the most for you. Because I know if you've read through this overage of sentences, too many words and paragraphs, there has to be a reason why. You may be feeling lost. You may not. Or, it could be sheer curiosity on how I finish this post. But if you do feel you're in a bad spot, depressed, and/or have negative thoughts roaming around, please know that it would be an honor for me, (I'm being very serious) to listen to you and let you get things off your chest. It would be a privilege to be here for you in your time of need, and my pleasure to help in any way I can. You can talk and understand that it is in total confidence, and we can fight this fuckery together. I go through shit too; we all do. But we shouldn't allow even one more person to lose this battle. I'm a fighter, and you are too. Let's do something better. Let's survive.
Fuck suicide.
21 July 2017 @ 04:29 pm
I would say maybe half of the websites that I frequent are actually useful. The other half are purely for entertainment. Either way, take a look at some of these in your spare time and let me know what you think.

In no particular order:

1. www.themetapicture.com. People usually ask "where do you find this stuff?" after I post or send a pic that I have found here. Funny and very interesting stuff.

2. www.topix.com. Just search your town or whatever town you'd like to see what people there are talking about. There isn't really any order to it, but there is something about every place on the map. I wondered if it was more big-city oriented, but out of curiousity I searched "Pineville, LA" and sure enough, there were many conversations started about stuff going on even in that small town. It can get personal, too. Gossip, politics, everything. Let's just say this site doesn't exactly promote ethics. Its what I like to call a "rabbit hole website". Easy to get stuck.

3. www.cnet.com. I go here to check out the latest electronics, gadgets, and most of all to read legit product reviews from actual customers. I have often been saved by cnet by reading some negative reviews on something I was getting ready to purchase. It is extremely helpful and also has categories such as apps, cars, video games and tv stuff. There are instructional guides, what's trending, and helpful videos as well. Before you buy any pricey gadget or phone, you'll want to check them out.

4. www.groupon.com. I love this place, but you have to be careful here. Not everything is what it seems. That's not to say, if it seems to good to be true....because that isn't the case at all. Sometimes they have awesome deals that are hard to find. But something to keep in mind is any time you find something there that looks incredibly reduced in price, open another tab and google the item, then click on google's "shopping" tab. That will show you the exact item elsewhere and list the price at each store or online retailer. There are times when that same great price is everywhere. On the flip side, Groupon has hooked me up when it comes to lashes, spray tans and massages. I now try to avoid buying products there, and stick with services only.

5. www.Chewy.com. I have 2 cats; one eats wet food and the other doesn't. The cat who has a disliking for wet food does like treats, yet the other won't touch them. So I need a little of everything, not to mention all of the litter and dry food. Is it just me or does everything for pets seem to be so heavy? I live on the 2nd floor so hauling it all up can be a real bitch sometimes. I'm not the type to get the smallest bag of food. I want it to last. Chewy.com has great deals on things for all pets, and usually on top of the free shipping you can find a promo code via google search and get even more off your order. It's totally worth it, and you haul nothing anywhere. That's FedEx's problem now.

6. www.thehollywoodgossip.com. Okay this is not helpful in any way, and pretty self explanatory. Just a stupid guilty pleasure, like TMZ. Trust me, I wish I could help it.

7. www.OfferUp.com. I am sure most are aware of this site and/or app. It's where you can buy and sell all types of things (like Craigslist but less sketchy) most sellers get verified thru the site so there's no scamming. The best part about this one is you can buy and sell within just a 5 mile radius of where you live, if you would like. You get to pick the area and the distance, or how far
you are willing to travel to buy or sell what you need. A good example of how great this site works is last night I assembled a cat condo that I bought from Groupon. I apparently didn't pay attention to the specs of the damn thing and it wasn't until after I completely put it together that I realized it was going to be too small, or rather, my cats are too fat for it. So I listed it on the site, and I had it sold within5 minutes, no kidding. The process is also very simple to list items as well. Not a lot of technical shit like Craigslist. You don't even have to add a description if you feel the item you are selling has a photo that speaks for itself. In one word, awesome..I have both sold and bought and never had a single unpleasant experience. All good.
20 July 2017 @ 04:32 pm
I realize it isnt fair, but i tend to judge others based on if they actually talk to me on the phone during difficult times. There are about a billion different ways text messages can be misinterpreted and distorted. But you can sense a whole lot about what is going on when hearing the sound of a person's voice.
Texting has somehow become the "gift card" of communication. Incredibly impersonal and a lazy but effective way of getting to the point...sometimes.
Understand very clearly that i am the self proclaimed queen of texting. Oh, the hypocrisy is strong in this one, folks...not so fast though--I text more than i talk; however, when I feel it is of a worthy cause, and actually means something to me, texting is out of the question, not even close to an option.
How do you expect anyone to take your strong thumbed ass seriously when you can't go anywhere without clicking along the way. Continuously tap-tap-tapping that keyboard until you run into a tree or as its happened to me, another person. Now that's just embarrassing.
Texting can be damaging in many ways, but my top 3 are pretty common and should be examined more. Of course, right? I'm like a wizard or something. Being so right all of time sure is exhausting, so let's get to it. ;)
1. Anything you text can and will most certainly be used against you.
Whether it be something small, or a game-changer, a text is something you cant retort with "i never said anything like that"
2. So you hit delete on a barrage of messages you had some regret about sending. Don't get too comfortable. Upon hitting "send" your words become permanent..always...tattoo-like... forfuckingever, bud. You may not see them, but trust me, they are there. Computer forensics. Your asshattery can be thrown back in your face with your texty footprints. It is ironic to know that those with more "footprints" than anyone else barely gets up to take a piss. My point is, deleting your message does not make it disappear. Think about that the next time you're trolling your contact list and trying to get some weed.
3. Texts can be so, so easily misconstrued and either taken out of context or, more likely, blown way out of proportion. It can very easily take a laid back debate to a level of rage that can wreck your nervous system. Violent acts have occurred unnecessarily due to text messages that were poorly interpreted. One person says some unintended fuckery, the other claps back and next thing you know, there's a brawl going down and the police are involved. Sounds crazy but google something similar to "texting leading to violence". Unfortunately it's very real and completely unpredictable, unless you're just a shit person and regularly beef with others because you are bored. In that case, your incoherently drab future is not going to be very surprising.
I find myself offended if there is a sensitive issue at hand and your only form of contacting me is being typed up. I understand there are situations in which the possibility of calling/answering the phone is nonexistent. You may be at work, or are around people and dont want to broadcast your thoughts in conversation. You could be sick, hung over, or simply not in the mood to talk. That is all very understandable. But don't make my phone sound like a smoke alarm going off with your two hundred texts when any asshole can see there is a serious issue to be dealt with.
Anyway, for as long as I live, will continue to text until i have no hands, but feel that if what you want to say has little to no possibility of invoking intense emotion, then text til your thumbs fall off.
How do you not feel disregarded when sent to voice mail but the messages wont stop pouring in?
**Just FYI, this rant is not directly related to my entry posted earlier, but more so something I have had on the back burner for a while; when I need to get my mind off something, it effectively cools me down. Writing is and always has been my shrink. Judge me.**
The year 2003 got off to a weird start, but it ended well because I had found my soul mate, best friends-wise. She was awesome. When we were hanging out, the positive vibes made us unstoppable. You couldn't tell us shit. We did what we wanted and we were happy to do so, with no one's approval, just each other's.
I could trust her more than I trusted myself. I knew her better than she knew herself. And vice versa.
We had a one of a kind, one in a million, once in a lifetime type of friendships. I know that undoubtedly, I'll never share another friendship like that with anyone ever again. That's how special it was to me, and she meant the world to me.
Often times, people say "oh, I feel your pain" but very few actually mean it. We were that very few.
When I was sad, she found out why, and instead of doing the dumb cliche thing most people do and just say loopy optimistic shit, she would get on my level. Her intent was never to make me feel worse, and she didn't. On the contrary, she made me feel like she understood.
When she cried, I cried. Everything about us was a 2 way street, and we adhered to the same guidelines as we set for one another.
We were roommates for a while, living in 2 different apartments together and I can confidently say that was the best time of my entire life. Everything just worked.
When you have a friend like that on your side, you feel like you can take over the world. You have a feeling of security, even better than what having a significant other usually provides. A sense of peace because you know you don't ever have to face anything alone. I knew back then that life was life, it happened in shitty ways sometimes, but I never worried about anything because she was there. How can you ever fall down if you have someone holding you up?
A few years after moving in together, we had to part ways. We got in over our heads when moving to a bigger apartment and when we couldn't afford it, we had to go elsewhere. It was sad, sure it was....but I still had in the back of my mind that the friendship would be there, no matter what. We eventually ended up in different states, doing different things, being with different people, having different friends. But I still knew up until just the other day that we would forever think enough of one another to alert them if big news was on the horizon.
We always said we would be "friends forever" and as cheesy as that sounds, we weren't just saying it to say it. I think at the time we both meant it. In fact, I know we meant it. She was there for me through some of the toughest things I ever had to go through, and I assumed that down the road, no matter where we were or who we were with and no matter how much time had passed since we last spoke, if big things were happening, it was a likely given that we'd be the first to know among ourselves before anyone.
I recently discovered through Facebook that she got married. She never said a word to me, and I found out like everyone else did.
I went from best friend in the world to just another random Facebook friend, and let me tell you, it isn't the easiest thing to come to terms with.
Maybe she had a big wedding and maybe she went to justice of the peace. Same thing, same result.
If she had a wedding, there was a bridesmaid. It wasn't me. It could have been her sister but just as I told my mom, I love my little sis Hannah to the moon and back and to the moon again, but if I were getting married, she wouldn't be my maid of honor. My best friend would.
I posted my feelings about it on Facebook, never addresssing her by name. I would never disrespect her, regardless of the circumstances or what had happened. Immediately I get six text messages from her. Where the fuck were all these messages when she was getting married?
I didnt get to be the first to congratulate her like i always imagined I would.
I didn't get to throw her a bachelorette party or take her out to celebrate.
I didn't get to get her a horribly inappropriate wedding gift, in bad taste but hilarious.
I got a Facebook notification saying she had a new last name. Wow, thanks.
It's a pretty bad world we live in when Facebook tells me more than you do.
I'll never mention this again. I try not to get emotional when possible but earlier I had a cry that I haven't cried in years. It just hurts me to my core.
I'll get over it. It could be worse. She could have unfollowed me on Facebook or something.
Oh well, life goes on. I wish her the best and honestly want nothing but her happiness, even if that means I'm in no way a part of knowing about it.
17 July 2017 @ 04:35 pm
Have you seen the commercial with the intense looking dude staring in the camera, demanding you think real hard and let him know if your son has bitch tits?
Yeah, it's awesome. He says something along the lines of "Risperdal has been shown as having male patients growing female breasts...if your son has boobs then give us a call so we can sue the shit out of them." ...or something...but that's pretty close.
And that's awful but what's especially fucked up is HELLOOOOO 2 years ago MY doctor prescribed Risperdal to ME and I took as directed. My question is what in the unholy fuck is going on when I can't get big boobs but BOYS taking the same medicine CAN? So unfair. God just keeps fucking with me.
Ooooooh, I am livid. These 5th grade boys who haven't hit puberty are walking around with nice racks and I'm over here all able to see my own feet, it's bullshit.
Now all I need is a lawyer with no moral compass (in other words, a lawyer) to assist me in what just may well be the first reverse lawsuit for lack of titigation.

Anyway, just needed to keep the feel of my blog a little lighter. The serious side was showing a little more than it should have, so there. Stay tuned for a sweet post for my ex and his inchworm.
05 July 2017 @ 05:23 pm
I am watching an episode of Dr. Phil, and you may be asking if the good Dr. pisses me off so much, why do I continue to watch? I watch because 80% of the time, I think his advice is on point. But this time he has it all wrong, but he isn't alone. Most people have the same outlook. What outlook? That no matter how much a woman is punching and beating and kicking a man, he has no right to hit her back. Bullshit.
The ONLY reason women come at men, wanting to fight them is simply because they think the guy won't hit them back. Most women wouldn't dream of attacking a man if they knew the guy would hit them in return. It's horse shit to keep filling women's heads with the idea that it is just fine to do whatever they want to men, with no consequences. It's utter bullshit and it isn't fair.
Why aren't people giving advice like "NOBODY has the right to hit another person; women don't hit men, and men don't hit women".
My God, it infuriates me that in the eyes of society it is just fucking fine and dandy for a woman to do whatever the fuck she wants and men have to just take it. Bitch, if he called you names, walk away. If he cheated on you, end the fucking relationship. But you don't have the right as much as a man doesn't have the right to hit another person.
What a load of shit. All of this misinformation swirling around makes me want to vomit.
Don't get me wrong, I am in no way advocating violence against women, but if you have common sense, you understand what I mean without having to explain further.
How about everybody keep your hands to yourselves.
03 July 2017 @ 05:21 pm
That word - ALONE - terrifies the absolute shit out of a lot of people. Most people I know are scared to be alone, but they'll never admit it.
Some people feel the need to be around someone, anyone, all of the time in order to feel complete. In my opinion, it is why there are so many fucked up relationships and failed marriages. The fact of the matter is, most settle for someone so they can be in a relationship, whether for fear of being alone, or to appease their family, and sometimes even so others will somehow hold them in higher regard.
Relationship status, or lack thereof, has no bearing on the type of person I think someone may be. I don't consider them to be awesome just because their significant other kisses their ass, therefore they are obviously of high quality and in demand. On the flip side, I don't consider them to be lacking something if they choose to be single. I think it's a smarter move to be single.
But then again, I can be alone and be perfectly content with that option. I prefer it, really. I don't have to explain myself, my actions, words, phone calls, my whereabouts, who I have been around, what their intentions may or may not be, the future, the past, or what's on my phone. I also am free from the ugliness that comes along with jealousy, accusations, double standards, arguments over stupid shit, and the dreaded insecurities. I mean all of this for both sides. I never claimed to be innocent of any of those things previously mentioned, and that's the point; I despise the person I become when I am in a relationship, despite whose actions are truly at fault to get me to that point.
I think it's unreasonable to expect a person to be with only the one person for the rest of their lives. It seems a bit unfair considering what people refer to as "cheating" is only a simple physical act that, more often than not, is absolutely meaningless.
Everyone needs a little strange. Something different. My idea is that as long as I don't find out about it, I can't get hurt by something stupid I wouldn't want to know anyway. People are going to do what they are going to do, regardless of your threats, tears, words, and fears. Ignorance is bliss for this particular situation. I know not everyone feels the same way I do, and I would be willing to bet that most (women) would disagree. If you do disagree, that's your prerogative absolutely.
I am single because I refuse to settle for someone I am not genuinely interested in being around so much, and I am perfectly fine with the idea of being alone. It's comforting to me that while I sit here and do anything my heart desires, at any time, in any place, with anyone I choose to be around, the majority disagrees with me while being nagged about multiple things and are deprived of the sex they daydream of having. Don't judge me for the decisions you wish you would have made.
06 June 2017 @ 05:20 pm
1. Make people who dress their pets like humans trade places with their animals for a year. Maybe after, they will re-think the whole "I know that Fido already sports a thickass coat but the doggie sweater store seems like a good place to spend money" thing. Plus, it truly looks dumb as fuck. You have zero right to call me crazy cat lady just for having 2 cats if you dress your dogs as if they are people. Dumbasses.

2. Eliminate the following to "thin out the herd". We are ridiculously overpopulated with too many idiots, and I'm thinking a few lanes would open up on the freeway during rush hour if you could do away with: A) Part time vegans who judge me. You can't be part time if you try and contribute to some big movement that's meant to change the world. Do it at 100% or eat burgers and shut the fuck up. B). Scientologists. Every one of them. Cruise and Travolta first please. C). I don't mind the professionals like old school Jenna Jameson and Alexis Texas, but ho's who video themselves fucking and have the nerve to refer to themselves as "porn stars" have got to go. They are annoying. D) Guys who pop their collars and shapely pluck their eyebrows. E) Any person who either has the name or previously went under the names Kardashian and Jenner. Time's up bitches, bye-bye, and that's a wrap.

3. All of the money in the world, I am still not convinced money doesn't buy happiness. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I'll have an amazing time figuring it out.
05 June 2017 @ 05:18 pm
I was 19, and the year before, graduated high school. I had 2 jobs, full time at a day care center and a part time job at Sam Goody. My roommate was my best friend Heather, and I played as hard as I worked. Every weekend she and I partied hard, until she started dating this guy named Martin, who was in the Army, active duty. They got pretty serious and one day, she told me she wanted to hook me up with Martin's roommate, Scott. He was in the Army as well. She reassured me there was no pressure, and to send this idea home, insisted on a double date to make things a little less awkward. I agreed, but assumed it wouldn't pan out, as blind dates just didn't seem to register in my mind as "successful future". Nevertheless, I got ready and we went to their house for a night of movies and drinking.
We arrived to a surprise; Martin and Scott both cooking dinner for us. Scott was way cuter than I thought. Very fit, a smile that lit up a room, and could have been a twin of Val Kilmer but only the Val Kilmer in Top Gun, not bloated sack of crap Val Kilmer. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised.
We got along great, laughed, played drinking games and yes, we had sex on the first date. While that may not often work out for most for longer than the one night, it worked for us for two and a half years.
It really was a fantastic relationship. We had our normal minor issues, but nothing so bad we couldn't work it out. He was never abusive in any way, was great in bed (gave it up lots), was very understanding, respectful and my best friend. He got along great with my family, and we would travel a few hours north to Bossier City every once in a while to visit his. We also got along pretty well.
Toward the end of our relationship, he had to leave for 2 weeks for a mandatory Army thing, leaving us thousands of miles apart. At first I was okay, but then my friend Rachel, who I hadn't seen in years, stopped by to say hi. We caught up, talked and cried over her recent divorce and the idea I had ended up costing me the kind of relationship I would never have again.
I told Rachel we needed a good girls night. After all, I hadn't been out with girlfriends in a few years. We went out, had a blast, she stayed over, and we decided to go out again, and again.
Then on the 3rd night, we decided our town was a snooze fest and went out about an hour and a half south, to Lafayette. We went out, got really drunk, and did cocaine for the first time. I loathe that drug now, but at the time, I was having the time of my life. That's the night I ended up cheating on Scott.
The guilt was overwhelming, and the next day, couldn't believe what I had done. The feelings I had can hardly be explained through words, so let's summarize and call it intense self loathing.
When Scott returned , I had our apartment displayed as if a birthday party exploded in there. Streamers everywhere, balloons, a huge welcome home poster, and me in lingerie.
I was so happy he was back home, but I hadn't gotten over what I had done, and the guilt was getting the best of me to the point I couldn't control it. I burst into tears and when he asked me what was wrong, I foolishly told him.
Understandably, he was extremely hurt and said he just couldn't stay with me. He was crying with me, and said he just wasn't strong enough to overcome it; he said he loved me too much to live with that and with me, knowing what I had done.

I still think of that whole ordeal sometimes. Scott is married with kids now, but he is the only boyfriend I'm regretful for, in that I still wonder what might have been. I guess we'll never know.
03 June 2017 @ 05:17 pm
Everyone wants a certain type of person to be their significant other, and I'm no different. The person I see myself with in a long-term type of setting would have certain qualities that are probably not that unusual from what most people want.
*Loves to laugh, and gets my sometimes dark sense of humor. He doesn't take life too seriously, but chooses those moments; I wouldn't want someone who just laughed off everything; he should have his priorities in order to make up for mine. :). It's all about balance, really.
*He would love what he does for a living. I feel that someone who is doing something they hate day after day is bound to just snap at some point. If I am the person they are with, then I am who gets all that taken out on and I can't be that chick. Plus, I would love nothing more than my other half being happy in doing something I simply cannot provide.
*Someone who inspires me and motivates me to be the absolute best person I can be, day in and day out. Someone who makes me feel awesome about myself, and gives me the feeling that I am genuinely needed and wanted. When that is missing, everything is missing and you may as well be alone.
*He has to have an extremely healthy and very alive sex drive. My ideal situation would be at the very least, once in the morning (just like Foldgers, it is indeed the best part of waking up) and again just before going to bed. I personally believe the world would be a better place if everyone adapted to this way of life...sex life, that is. I feel that the experts aren't wrong. They are experts for a reason, and those experts say that sex releases endorphins, and overall, makes you happy and better. I have a very high sex drive, and "get to know myself" at least 3 times a day, regardless if I am in a relationship or not. I love it, I love it, I love it. Probably too much, says my many shorted out vibrators.
*Someone who isn't unnecessarily argumentative, but has a mind of his own and can think for himself, and not afraid to express his point of view, especially if it differs from mine. Not everything has to be a fight. Mature people understand that a good debate is healthy, and it's much better to disagree in that way rather than bottle things up and pretend to be someone you are not. The real you is bound to surface at some point, and that shit is not going to be pretty if all this time you've been agreeing with everything she says just to keep the peace.
*He doesn't ever have to say the words "I love you" if he feels it. Just show me; in how you talk to me, how you treat me, and how much you have sex with me. But if you ever, ever, EVER say the words "make love to you", then may God have mercy on your soul. The second that comes out of your mouth, get ready to go pollute someone else's life with that soap opera bullshit because you will no longer be in mine.

It's that simple. :)
31 May 2017 @ 05:15 pm
It's funny to sit back and think of all the times I have heard the statement "I don't care what people think." Even funnier to think of all the times I've said the very same thing myself.
It's a crock of shit, and I mean that for everyone.
Not only do we care what people think, but we go out of our way to impress others. That is shown by the cars we drive, clothes we wear, and especially by the fake wonderful lives we all pretend to have on Facebook. I'm not saying that you are fake or that I am, but let's face it, your life isn't exactly as it's portrayed on social media. Nobody's life is. We always post what we think are the very best pictures, and even go as far as posting what we had for lunch, pictures included, on our latest status update. We immediately notify our Facebook friends and Twitter followers whenever we get hired for a great new job, get a promotion, go on vacation, ballin it up at the club, and generally anything we think that not everyone gets the opportunity to do.
On the flip side, we also find ourselves posting bad things on our status, such as tragedies, loved ones passing away, a pet dies, someone being in the hospital, and we even "check in" at our local urgent care or E.R. for a minor illness.
Why would anyone care that much about you getting that raise at work, and why would you want to bring someone down with bad news?
I've got a theory. We are all whores for attention. Bottom line, and there's no way you can convince me otherwise. The only way that wouldn't be the case is if MAYBE, MAYBE you have no social media presence whatsoever, but there's still a chance depending on your personality, character, how you treat others, and how you behave in public.
My point is, we all give a shit, on some level, what people think of us. Some of us a little too much, and some not quite enough, You know who you are if you haven't seen a shower in a few days, in which case you should catch an episode or two of the Kartrashians. Those bitches will teach you how to make you care what everyone thinks. On second thought, just wash your ass.
29 May 2017 @ 05:14 pm
It was approximately 7 years ago, and I was dating a girl. She was awesome, and still is...we are friends to this day. Back then, I guess we felt like something was missing, and one night, we decided to get some GHB aka the date rape drug. Why would we want such a thing, you may ask. Well, if it's slipped in an unsuspecting person's drink, then a lot is poured in, causing the blackout effect. But if you do the "right amount" then you experience this intense euphoric high that is almost unexplainable. That "proper dosage" is about half of a cap that's usually on a 20oz bottle of water, Coca Cola, etc.. Mixed into a drink, it's tasteless and odorless, but when taken as a small shot, the half cap, the taste is gnarly. You tend to overlook that when you know what is soon to come. That best high in the world, enemies-are-now-best-friends, careless and lovely feeling.
So my girlfriend and I got a few ounces. It looks like water, and that's actually what we called it when talking amongst friends. People tend to judge when you bring up the date rape drug in casual conversation.
We partied on this stuff for like a week, week and a half, nonstop. I say nonstop, but we nodded out every now and then, which was normal as we were sleep deprived anyway. But after that binge, we both felt different. Bad different, like our bodies weren't the same anymore and we felt real withdrawals. Our bodies hurt and we really couldn't figure out why. I mean, it makes sense now, but at that time, in our minds we are thinking "no way can this stuff be addictive, or give withdrawals...that's crazy"
We were both very agitated and restless, and continued for about another day until we mutually decided it was time to get more, to stop these symptoms. Neither of us would actually own up to the already swift and fierce hold it had on us.
So we began this downward spiral, intense addiction with GHB. This wasn't a month or two type thing, This was continuous for a year and a half, straight, no stops. In fact, it would wake us up in the middle of the night, to the point we would keep a half a cap of it on our night stand. We had to be prepared, because the wrath of withdrawals was way too much to handle, This was an every 5 hours at most addiction. We had to have it every 4-5 hours at most, but on average we would do every 3 hours.
We broke up after about six months I think, maybe a little less, and went our separate ways. Distance didn't change the addiction that remained for the both of us. Neither of us slowed down, and continued spiraling out of control.
Then one day/night I woke up in the psych ward of the 4th avenue jail, and no memory whatsoever as to how I got there. To this day, I have no idea what happened that led me there. That is scary as fuck.
While I was there, the withdrawals went hardcore on me, from hallucinations to being sick, it was all bad and kind of a blur.
The point to this whole thing is that I think society in general, but especially jails and anyone in an authoritative position should be educated on this drug and just how terrible it is. A year and a half of my life was led completely soulless and with zero direction. Sad.
During that year and a half, I remember getting arrested for pot possession and not even a day after, I was released on bail. When I looked in my purse I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was walking out of the jail and saw they had left my bottle of GHB in my purse, probably assuming it was contact lens solution or something legit. Crazy shit.
Anyway, I am fortunate that is well behind me, and it really does not even tempt me anymore. Not when I think of how hard it was to overcome. She (ex-girlfriend) is clean as well, and stopped around the same time I did, under different circumstances. I am happy for the both of us, and now we can look back and say "I'm so glad that's not my life anymore".
I think people should just be more aware of what is out there, that way they know what to look for and possibly save friends from trying it or help those they know are going down that very dark path.
I'm just saying that date raping yourself isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Dear former self,

I find this to be a wonderful opportunity to give you some tips on how to deal with life. Life can be a bitch, cruel, moody, short-tempered and unfair, but with my help, you'll be able to bob and weave from all of that.

1- Study more, get straight A's. To get a scholarship is a big deal, and trust me, you need it. Your parents aren't paying for your college, so stay on track. 4 years of high school, that's not much time. So focus, and reap the benefits after graduation.

2- Don't trust everyone you think you have a good feeling about. So many wolves in sheeps clothing, and you'll never be able to tell on the surface. Wait until you've been friends with someone for a solid year before really confiding in them.

3- Pick your battles. Know when to shut up.

4- Exercise daily. It will prevent so many health issues.

5- Don't ever pick up a cigarette. Trust me, it's the hardest habit to break.

6- Always be punctual, whether it be for a business or personal occasion, show up on time.

7- Don't be vindictive. Sever ties with someone if you feel they have done you wrong, but don't go after them, in any way. Just be done with them. This will save you a lot of time and trouble, and ultimately, it's just not worth it,

8- Don't commit to anyone unless you are 100% ready to settle down. If you're not ready, but commit anyway, then all you're doing is asking for heartbreak and wasted time.

9- Whenever you have the opportunity to, travel.

10- Don't start, spread or participate in gossip. It's an ugly color on anyone involved. Plus, you wouldn't want to be gossiped about, so don't partake.
25 May 2017 @ 05:13 pm
Our constant need for validation from people, most of whom aren't even in our recent call log, is both alarming and embarrassing. Why do any of us really care who the fuck "likes" our pictures anyway?
What's worse is seeing a post someone wrote, grieving a lost loved one, then noticing 100 "likes" below it. WTF is that about people? Are you really that shitty of a person to totally disregard their feelings, without so much as a decent, empathy-filled comment? Instead, you find it a better idea to hit the thumbs up icon?? Seriously, what is wrong with people these days?
If what you are trying to do is let them know you read it, then for fucks sake, comment something that lets them know you read, and that you're there for them.
It blows my mind. I recently posted a cryptic message to all of my Facebook friends. It simply read "The pain of today is beyond overwhelming" It was about a loved one, someone very close to me in my family. I got many "likes" for that post. I saw it, and realized either my friends are brain dead or they are happy I am feeling pain. Do I truly believe either situation? Not at all. Do my friends sometimes not think and are conditioned to "like" posts even when inappropriate because everybody else is doing it? Absolutely.
On to the selfies. Why, oh why does one person have more picture of themselves than of anything or anyone else? That's narcissism defined.
One of my favorite comedians says it best.."Selfie...I can't even say the word without sweating. Do you know how alone you have to be, that you can't find somebody to take your photo? I call it, taking a lonely." --Sebastian Maniscalco. (From the "Aren't You Embarrassed" stand up special)
I love it! Now, I'm off to delete some selfies off Facebook so to not be a total hypocrite.
22 May 2017 @ 05:10 pm
Anytime I meet new people here in AZ, they detect a hint of my Southern accent almost immediately. It isn't overpowering, but with the way I say certain things, I suppose it's easy to see I'm not from here.
Some things I really miss about Louisiana. The food...oh my Jesus the food. My mom's cooking. Biscuits and gravy, broccoli rice and cheese casserole, gumbo, crawfish etoufee, her macaroni and cheese from scratch...the list goes on.
I miss how green it is there, and actual grass in people's yards. The lawns here aren't made up of grass so much as rocks. Rock yards. (Sidenote: Rock yards--that totally sounds like a reality show about landscapers for rock stars, but anyway).
I miss how nice most people are in the South in general, but especially Louisiana. Oh sure, there are the assholes and bitches, and that will be anywhere you go. But compared to AZ and the douchebaggery it contains, Louisiana is as nice as nice you can imagine.
I miss the random kindness of strangers there, the frequent waves from passing by traffic; people being nice on the road and in store checkout lines and letting you get in front of them. No attitude problem included.
I miss how simple it is there, and the pure feeling of sweetness when people show your company is appreciated.
I miss my family. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you are around family, especially when it's been a while.

I don't think I miss it enough to move back necessarily. There are only about two reasons why I would ever do that, and under those circumstances, I would be there in a minute. Those are reasons I'll leave out of this blog for now,

What I do not miss is the total lack of opportunity to do anything. Whether it be employment or a social life, there is really nothing there. No big event ever goes there; or even a semi-big event. Not even a concert by someone thriving in the music industry. Nobody. No sporting events, except maybe monster truck shows, and that's no sporting event in my book.

Since I've been in AZ, the freaking Super Bowl has been played here...twice. Everyone performs shows here. Everyone. Music, comedy, dance, everything and everyone tours and plays here. Every type of festival, art exhibit, and even broadway type stuff happens in the Phoenix Metro area. Expo's, swap meets, big auctions, and wine tastings happen here basically every weekend. Trade shows, job fairs, book signings, charity events all take place here, and during many different weekends throughout the year.
Spring training is here for a few months every year. All of the major league baseball teams come here to practice and play games for the public during off season. There are huge parks, zoos, aquariums, casinos, many shopping malls as well as a bunch of outlet malls as well. Museums, comic con, just so much happens here that it would be hard to leave.

In August of 2016 I saw Korn, Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson and Slipknot all in one week. I never saw 4 shows in Louisiana EVER, during the 28 or so years I lived there.

I think I just wonder sometimes if I'll ever go back to live there, and I really have to say I SOOOOOO do not think so.